Parenting a teenager is often quite difficult, especially as they navigate their emotions in a complex world, which could make them feel misunderstood or alone, resulting in frustration and conflict.
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Parenting teens
Parenting a teenager is often quite difficult, especially as they navigate their emotions in a complex world, which could make them feel misunderstood or alone, resulting in frustration and conflict.
Understanding how these disagreements emerge allows you to assess different situations and figure out how to address tension in a way that respects your child’s feelings. In this article, we look at eight ways conflict may develop between you and your teenager.
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Sources of parent-teenager conflict
The eight most common sources of conflict between parents and their teenage children include:
1. Hair, clothing, and makeup
As children grow, they experiment with different styles and presentations that set them apart from others, and some parents naturally worry about the possibility of bullies taking notice. Alternatively, you could believe your child’s clothing choices are inappropriate for their age. These are fair concerns, but actively limiting how teenagers present themselves could lead to resentment. A reasonable level of fashion expression is healthy for teens – helping them retake control of their changing bodies. Though some limits exist for a reason, allowing your child to find their identity through clothing supports their personal development.
2. Performance in school
If you discover your child isn’t performing well in school, this can often be quite concerning, with possible long-term consequences if they don’t improve these grades. It might frustrate you or feel like your child isn’t taking school seriously, but it’s important not to take this out on your child. Some discipline could be appropriate, but try to understand why they’re falling behind – they might have a problem in their social life or even a condition that’s getting in the way of their learning. Offer to help them, such as by speaking with their teacher.
3. Choice of friends
It’s only fair to want the best for your child; that includes wanting them to have nice friends they can count on and won’t lead them down an unfortunate path. It may be scary for your child to have other figures in their life that could shape them, especially if you see them as being part of a bad crowd. If you address this incorrectly, your teenage child will likely become defensive, so only raise the issue if you’re certain that such an issue exists beyond your minor suspicions.
4. Family time
Along similar lines, they may want to spend more time with friends who match their growing personality, which could cut into your usual family time. They might be out of the house more or could prefer talking to their friends over their parents. This is often hurtful (especially if you previously had a close relationship), but it may also be instrumental for your child’s social development to spend time in a different environment. You can always talk to your child and try to arrange a better balance, such as by accommodating their usual social schedule.
5. Drinking, smoking, and drugs
Every parent hopes their teenage child doesn’t start drinking, smoking, or taking drugs, so it can cause an intense argument if you find out they’ve started using any of these substances. They might feel ashamed about this and lash out, but responding in kind may damage your relationship or even prompt them to run away. You can benefit from getting outside help for these issues, as this is a lot for parents to tackle alone. Try to navigate the problem as sensitively as possible, or you might risk permanently damaging your relationship with your child.
6. Sexuality and dating
Who your child dates is another significant source of conflict, as your approval of them may be even more vital than it is for your child’s friends. Their sexuality can also create tension if they don’t feel you support them and their identity. You must cultivate an accepting home where your teenager feels safe talking to you about these matters, but remember that LGBTQ+ children can still take some time to grapple with this. Even if you emphasize that you’ll accept them no matter what, it might be a while before they come out.
7. Driving
As your child reaches 16, they may have teen anxiety about starting driving lessons or getting their car, especially if their peers are already passing their driving tests. If you worry about their safety behind the wheel, you can always take steps to help with this while teaching your child how to stay safe. You might also remove driving privileges as a punishment once they get their license. This can often be a fair punishment – but it could upset your child because of how hard they worked to pass their test.
8. Curfew
Many parents institute a curfew for their children to ensure they get enough sleep – teenagers are known for breaking this. They may even sneak out to see their friends late at night to defy your authority. It’s always worth asking other parents about the curfews they set, and consider re-adjusting this time as your child grows. You could also implement different rules for the weekend, giving your child more freedom without getting in the way of school. This rule is here for a reason, but there are ways to be flexible and safe.
Even if you and your child take all the right steps, it’s impossible to remove all conflict between a teenager and their parent, as disagreements are often a part of any family connection. This is inevitable to some degree, but you can always work to mitigate its effects and ensure you build a constructive and happy relationship with them that can weather any storm.
